"I realized around Christmats that that friendship was gonna be very difficult, because of many parallels between other friendships I know, that didn't work. Why? Because we are fundamentally different. I thought I could leave all my "principles" behind but obviously that didn't work. We have different fundamentals, our ways in everything are diefferent. How we live basically. And it doesn't work. And I realized that more and more, especially when we didn't spend time with each other. I wanted it to work, but I just can't keep feeling burnt out, tired and irritated. It affects me so much that for my well-being, I just can't. I don't know if it ever could've worked out and I'm not sure if it ever could again. I just know that I really can't right now."

That was the last text I ever received from my bestfriend. It all started at the beginning of this year's summer, right after my 2nd year of highschool had ended. I met up with her to eat dinner at a nice Italian place in our city, thinking that we'd just go out as usual, just as we had done so many times before. We were supposed to meet each other at 7pm but she didn't arrive till 7:15pm. When she did finally arrive I realized that something was off. I didn't know what it was but I would soon find out. We ordered something to eat but we both didn't really feel like eating, talking with each other instead. I was about to ask her about some problems I've recently noticed in our friendship, wanting to work on them, but she got to it first surprisngly as she had never before talked about any problems she had with our friendship.

I don't exactly recall what happened next, but I know that it was all very emotional. We had this long talk where we expressed how much we cared for each other and how much the other meant to each one of us, holding hands, hugging and crying continuously. She told me what I already knew by then, that she needed time. Since she transfered to my school we had been pretty inseperable never fighting and always getting along. She expressed before that she wasn't used to one on one friendships and that she preffered to be in a larger friendgroup. While I didn't share that sentiment, I wouldn't have objected to it if the oppertunity was given, but it never was, so we carried on with our friendship as usual. But I now knew that this was the end of the friendship. She kept on saying that she just needed some time, that we would be friends again, and for the first time she called me her best friend, one of her better best friends even, and she told me that she would figure out everything on her own, that it was on her and not on me, and that she only needed time, it wouldn't be long before we were together again.

But I already knew that this wasn't true, even though I know that she meant it. That was the effective end of our friendship. I got sad afterwards. I had always had a certain melancholy about me, which turned out to be dysthymia, but losing my bestfriend had not been easy for me. It didn't really affect me much in July as I had a summer job and as such responsibilities to bear, which didn't allow me to be or seem sad. I also had another bestfriend at the time with whom I was admittedly not as closely acquainted with as with my ex-bestfriend, but it still helped to have someone to talk to.

Everything turned for the worst in August. I just finished my first job and didn't have any close friends around me, my other bestfriend was travelling at the time, so I was feeling pretty lost. At first it wasn't that bad, I just started to spend more and more time in my room but I still made sure to meet with friends/acquaintances and to link up with new people that seemed interesting but after a while everything got so much worse. It must have been around the middle of August where I seriously started to fall into a depressive episode. I couldn't eat anymore, didn't want to do anything, just spending all my time in my room with my blinds shut, trying to sleep or watching Adventure Time. I was in that hole for about a week or two, but I soon went to therapy with the money I had earned in July. For the first time I felt like therapy actually helped. It all took its time but with the introduction of antidepressants everything seemed to work better, seing improvments day after day.

Eventually I decided to text my ex-bestfriend to ask about our future, I didn't get an answer for days but when I did, my worst fears were confirmed. The message I am talking about is the very message you read before. I told my other bestfriend what happened and soon he also left cordially. I was completely alone again. But somehow that didn't stop me from feeling better and better. I soon started drawing again, playing bass again, I picked up HTML and CSS in a couple of days and even started to tailor some of my clothes, everything seemed great on my own, life was feeling kinda awesome.

When school started I died again. Not as much as I did before, my meds kept me from falling too deep, but just hearing my ex-bestfriends voice every single day, talking to new friends of hers made me go kinda crazy. On the second to last day of the first school week I finally broke down. I had just gotten a diagnosis which required an open and expensive surgery and that diagnosis pushed me over the edge. I just started to cry in class, sobbing quietly while my ex-bestfriend was enjoying herself. I went home, tears falling from my eyes as I walked.

It is now exactly a week later and I'm doing fine again, I think. It's kinda hard to deal with being alone again after knowing what it's like to be cared for, but I know that I can do it. I don't think that I'm going to get close to anyone soon as I just need some time to myself right now. Maybe my friend leaving was for the better, or maybe it wasn't, I don't know but I'm still alive and that's the only thing that really counts.